‘The Hills’ East Makes Us Long For Music Videos Again

Posted in Popculture, Television with tags , , , , , , , on January 30, 2009 by kanev

Is it possible that MTV has finally found a show more dramatic than Laguna Beach and more vapid than The Hills? If this question was proposed to me a few months ago, I would have chuckled and flippantly waved my hand and said “oh go on” in my best Zha Zha Gabor voice. Unfortunately, if you ask me now, I would say “Yes. It’s called the City.”

The City is actually a spin-off of The Hills which is a spin-off of Laguna Beach which is a reality version of The O.C. Are you following? It’s a long line of crap we had to go through to get to The City. Never in my life did I think I would long for the days of 8th and Ocean and actually miss Kristen Cavalerri (say it with me now… STEEE-VEN.)

Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad’s former coworker and advice giver at Teen Vogue, has moved to Manhattan and took a job in publicity at Diane Von Furstenburg. Her co-worker is uber-snobby socialite Olive Palermo, and her boyfriend is a lower-eastside transplant from Australia named Jay. Whitney deals with conflicts that every New Yorker deals with… should I hang out with the peeps on the upper east side or the peeps on the lower east side? Should I take the luxury apartment in gramercy or continue to crash in my friend’s great condo in union square? Should I be nice to the girl embarrassing me in front of Manolo Blahnik or shush her? I know as a native New Yorker, I deal with problems like these EVERYDAY.

In all fairness to the producers of this show, they try to recreate similar dramas that have worked for them in the past. There is cheating, lying, betrayal… when you say it like that, it actually sounds good. It’s not. The problem is, these characters are completely unlikable. Whitney used to be the likable cast member on The Hills but as a leading lady, she falters. She seems to be really thinking about her lines, which for a reality show is not a requirement. All of her loyalty to her friends also seems forced… why befriend the past angry boss, the random skinny model AND the trust fund baby? None of these people seem to be a very good friend to you, Whit.

Her boyfriend and his roommate are the least appealing boys to yet appear on any of these faux reality shows. In the past, I never respect for Brody Jenner and Stephen Colletti but they actually were able to be cheaters and manipulate their girlfriends and still come out likable. Adam, Jay’s roommate, is not only a liar and a cheat but it seems like he has a hard time speaking coherently and being covered in pleather at the same time. Should those two things interfere? Should the latter even exist?

As for the reality of the show, well that’s laughable. Everyone knows by now that the term “reality” is used loosely. The scenes look staged, the lines seem rehearsed and the rumor mill has it that Whitney and Olivia don’t even work for DVF, they just come in once a week to film themselves at desks in the office. Some DVF employees have even been complaining that the filming disrupts the normal work flow of the office. SHOCKER.

There is one hidden gem in the show. Snobby Olivia Palermo has nothing on her hilarious super snobby cousin, Nevin. Nevin is an evil villain who at one time had a 9-5 job and his rent paid, but now crashes on Olivia’s couch (even after he previously trashed her apartment.) He spends his time stroking his small dog, judging guys on the lower east side who wear fedoras and can’t help but sport ugly shoes that are “super comf!” While he seems to have no malicious intent on the show, he does seem like the character I would vote “most likely to stroke his pet with just his ring finger and do a muah-ha-ha laugh.”

I have a strong tolerance/love for awful reality shows. If the characters are likable enough, smart enough or even just relatable, you can enjoy the show. These characters have none of these traits. The portrayal of New York City and how a young person in the city act is laughable at best and MTV should hire better writers if they are going create a faux-reality show. At the risk of sounding like every other critic of MTV, go back to music videos and stop shoving a camera up these young people’s asses. They already have a silver spoon there.

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Just Some Whiskey Business

Posted in Random Shit, Television with tags , on January 30, 2009 by according to alanna

I really don’t know what’s funnier: Josephine, an angry grandma who keeps yelling obscenities while trying to find her bottle of whiskey from last night, her grandson who is behind the camera instigating like the sassy son-of-a-b*tch that he is (or a “f*ckin’ sissy bastard,” as Grandma Josephine calls him before doing a little jig to further emphasize that her grandson is a sissy and perhaps dances like a girl), the fact that I had the time to notice the empty shelves and large Fed-Ex box in the living room and wonder why said shelves were empty and what was in that box (my guess is a sweet TV set that Grandma Josephine probably destroyed during another one of her tantrums), or an appearance from Grams Jo’ at the end of the video shamelessly asking people to subscribe to her YouTube page? (I’m pretty sure her sassy girly-dancing grandson threatened to hide another bottle of whiskey if she didn’t do it.)

And while I was laughing at this video and feeling awful all at once (terrible clusterf*ck of emotions right there), I wondered just how long it would take for an intervention to kick in; there are just so many starter jackets that Jo can keep throwing at her grandson to shut him up and hand over the bottle.

Call me selfish, but I would love this woman to grace A&E’s Intervention. How absolutely epic would that episode be (alright, maybe not epic, but awesome – yes)? They don’t even need to hire a camera crew! They can just ask Sassy McSasserson to film it.

Man, I’m by no means supporting alcoholism, but if it gives me good TV, I’m all about it!

intervention

(Just kidding guys, I only support those with addictions to computer dust removers.)

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A List That Will Get You More Gays Than Kathy Griffin

Posted in Advice, Arts & Culture, Celebrity News, Lifestyle, Popculture, Style with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2009 by according to alanna

If there is any group of people who are kicking 2009 off on a good note, it’s the celebrities that gays go absolutely bat sh*t crazy over. Example: Lady Gaga went from being a drag queen-looking chick with allergies to pants to a legitimate #1 artist, Liza Minelli went from being married to an ogre and having a semi-anti-climactic comeback on Arrested Development to being a Broadway star all over again, Beyoncé went from being herself as Beyoncé to being herself as Sasha Fierce (quite possibly the most unnecessary alter-ego since Chris Gaines, but at least this b*tch provided us with the fiercest viral phenomenon yet) and Oprah is back on the weight loss bandwagon and there ain’t no stoppin’ her! It might be too soon to say, but gosh darn it I’ll say it anyway: Gay Icons could quite possibly be having the best kickoff to a New Year ever!!!

But what does it take to actually be embraced by a community that is not only fabulous, but also picky and willing to turn their backs on you if you just so much as peep a negative word about Britney’s comeback? I decided to put on my faux fur parka and silky weave and hit the streets of the Internet to figure out exactly what it takes to become a Gay Icon, so you can be on your way to becoming this:

kathy-griffin-gays

1) Fashion Don’ts Are Your Best Friend: Seriously, if there’s a warrant out for your arrest by the fashion police, then keep on hiding from the po-po, because the gays need you in their lives. Remember, being a hot mess is still a compliment.

2) Hard Knock Life: It seems as though many Gay Icons were outcasts as children (see: Oprah, Christina Aguilera, and Victoria Beckham). If you were once an ugly duckling or jumped by your entire 4th grade class, then wipe those tears away because honey, you’re almost there!

3) Potty Mouth Trained: Bette Midler, Cyndi Lauper, Cher, Joan Crawford, Kathy Griffin, Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna are all broads who have put many Sailors out of business with their impressive swearing skills. Practice using f*ck, sh*t and motherf*cker in the same sentence and you’ll be on your way.

4) Drink Up: The classiest Gay Icons were also closeted drunks. Go raid your grandma’s liquor cabinet for that old sh*t; you’ll instantly feel like an incarnation of Judy Garland (R.I.P. baby girl)

5) Here Comes the Bride… Again: Either they’ve been married more than once or they’ve been in long-term relationships that are all shades of what-the-f*ck (if Chris Hansen existed in the 80s, he would’ve been telling Celine Dion’s manager-turned-husband to “have a seat”). If you prefer to be an independent woman, go get yourself a Stedman.
6) Don’t Give a Rats Ass: After struggling with a stint of hardships, the key attitude to have is one that doesn’t give a f*ck. If you have to shave your head and release an album whilst in rehab or talk smack on other celebrities whilst moving up from the D-list, just do it.

7) Get What You Want: Not all gay icons have to automatically be divas, but many are (J.Lo, I’m looking at you, homegirl). If you need that dressing room to be covered in chocolate, dandelions or horse urine, you demand that crap until some poor helpless underpaid shmuck gets it for you!

8) That’s Fat, Yo!: You have to go through some chubby/overweight/child-bearing hips stage at some point in your career. So grab the Cheetos now and worry about being sponsored by Jenny Craig later.

9) Fierce is Not a Word, it’s a Lifestyle: If you call yourself fierce, then you’re everything but. Wait until others coin you “fierce” before you start throwing that word around like you’re a Tyra Banks with turrets.

10) Talent or Bust: You MUST be talented in your field of work to actually even be given the time of day by the gay community. You can have as many rehab stints, divorces, tacky outfits and weight issues, but if you’re not a true performer, you’re ass is dunzo.

Do you hear that? I’m pretty sure it’s the sound of Kathy Griffin’s gays knocking on your door.

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Golden Globes: Drunk Celebrities In Their Natural Habitat

Posted in Celebrity News, Popculture, Television with tags , , , , on January 12, 2009 by anijen21

golden_globe_2008

Ahh, the Golden Globes. Opening day in a month-long masturbatory spectacular that Hollywood feels it deserves regardless of the actual quality of product it delivers every year. I’m going to be honest, I haven’t seen any of the high art movies this year, mostly because I am unemployed and waiting for a day I can devote solely to theater-hopping, but apparently, from last night’s results, this year is all about Bollywood and Kate Winslet. And TV I actually like.

Let’s start with Kate Winslet. I will admit that she is one of the high-octane actresses I pity. It’s hard to pity any of them, when they have stretched and sanded skin and bone structures a cat could envy, but I do manage to find a little sympathy for the underrated. I hated Titanic, but felt kind of bad when Helen Hunt won the Oscar for Best Actress over her. (Whatever happened to her, anyway?) And since then, she’s pretty much been on a roll. She’s one of the few actresses who manages to play more than one role (I’m lookin’ at you, Cameron), and both Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Little Children would have suffered without her. So sure. Give her an award. Hell, give her two, why not? Also, I will forever admire her for admitting how ultimately forgettable Angelina Jolie is. But Angelina seemed too cranked to mind anyway, so everyone wins.

Next, Bollywood. Or Mumbai. Yes, I am an ethno-centric American who hasn’t seen Slumdog Millionaire. My only familiarity with it, in fact, is that it was directed by the same guy who gratiously revealed Cillian Murphy’s junk to the world in 28 Days Later. So obviously, I’m already a fan of this guy. I never thought Who Wants to Be a Millionaire would be relevant again once Meredith Viera ushered it into syndication. I was wrong.

Finally, TV. I love 30 Rock. I love Mad Men. I love award shows that Tina Fey attends because her acceptance speeches always bring a sparkle to my day. Imagine my disappointment when she let a perpetually drunk Tracy Morgan deliver it instead. To be fair, I’ve been waiting for someone to call out Cate Blanchette’s obvious racism. That Aryan bitch. This means, however, that I’m forced to be glad that she won Best Actress in a Comedy Series just so I could hear her snap, crackle, and pop. And what did she do? Told a bunch of stupid internet trolls to “Suck it.” Damnit, Tina, even though they undoubtedly used language like “TINA FAY SUX 4EVER” and “I CULD RIGHT BETTER THEN THIS BICH,” you’ve got to keep the quality of your snark high. If you sink to their level, you’re only letting them win.

Like any awards show, it was about 90% boring, 5% heart-wrenching, and 5% infuriating. Why the hell didn’t Jon Hamm win for Mad Men? I guess because he’s so damn good-looking he doesn’t really have to do anything except brood, furrow his eyebrows, and suck suggestively on cigarettes. All right, so maybe 3% infuriating and 2% awe-inspiring. Why did it appear like the celebrities weren’t eating anything? Are they like vampires, who maintain the illusion of humanity with empty plates and dishes? I did see some wine and Voss bottles. Apparently they all maintain those skeletal frames through a carefully designed liquid diet. Liquor, water, and the blood of virgins. Take note, American youth.

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The Bailouts By the Numbers

Posted in Business & Finance with tags , , , on December 10, 2008 by bizhooligan
every american currently has 15,330 of these invested in bailouts.

every american currently has 15,330 of these invested in bailouts.

Howdy, kids! I know, I know…long time, no post.  I’m sorry. And I’m sure you’re all on the very edge of your seats wondering about the current recession and economic crisis! Well, have no fear. I’m here to fuel your rage about the whole thing  just a little bit more.

Let’s take a look at the recent government “investments”, or as I like to call them “bailouts for companies that should have just fallen by the wayside thanks to market evolution and a laissez faire approach to economy, but what do I know.”

Following the Citigroup bailout (and not counting the loan of probably about $15b to the automakers), the total “cost” the government has enacted is $4.61 TRILLION.  That means, if we’re simply going by population numbers, that 100 percent of the income of EVERY citizen, including children, makes here in the good ol’ US of A for 3.9 months has been given to floundering companies by our fearless leaders. This means that every single one of American, yes, you too, have $15,330 invested in various failing companies. Congratulations! Your “You Lose, Sucka!” bumper sticker is in the mail.

If $4.61 trillion is still too big of a sum to break down in your head, here’s another way to look at things. With costs adjusted for inflation, the bailout as it stands is about $1 trillion MORE than the government spending on all of these COMBINED: Marshall Plan,  Louisiana Purchase, Savings and Loan Crisis, Korean War, New Deal, Invasion of Iraq, Vietnam War and NASA.

Keep that in mind as you watch your investments flounder, your colleagues get laid off and your taxes increase (in the next few years) while Wall St. CEOs contemplate taking or leaving their multi-million dollar bonuses this year.

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MOVIEW REVIEW: Twilight (more like Twatlight)

Posted in Books, Movies with tags , , , , , , on November 23, 2008 by according to alanna

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK!

November 22, 2008 @ 12:34PM

I was introduced to Twilight earlier this year when the movie began filming and the psychotic Twilight moms began stalking the set on a daily basis with their infants and toddlers fully in tow. I had absolutely no idea what the book series was about, nor did I really care; I was just amused by the fan base the film was attracting: Housewives and Fat chicks. And not just ANY housewives and fat chicks, but FUCKING CRAZY housewives and fat chicks! The kind of crazies that read fantasy novels and write slash fiction on LiveJournal. The kind that live vicariously through fictional characters that embody perfection and everything that their husbands (or lack thereof) do not possess. The kind that devour anything with a fluffy soft-core premise that provokes absolutely no thought or profundity, because THAT is the kind of shit that gives them a small inkling of hope for simplicity, happiness, weight-loss and a cure for that pesky drinking problem that began when little Jimmy was born… And that hope lied in Twilight (which I was later informed was like a 9th grade level Anne Rice novel).

Slowly but surely, the book series began to spread like wildfire (even beyond the original demographic), and I found myself with a bunch of friends (neither fat, moms or crazy) who had jumped on the bandwagon as well. These said friends even gave me the first two books in hopes of converting me into one of them. I was hesitant at first, but decided to cave in and give this human/vampire love story a chance. I mean, after all, something with this much craze must be brilliant, right?

Well, after reading book 1, it not only reconfirmed that there will always be trash that will be praised no matter how unsubstantial it is, but I realized that I wasn’t like the Twilight fatties at all; I actually preferred to eat fluff rather than read it! I kept turning each page waiting to feast on some depth, but by the time I forcefully turned to the last page, I found myself still hungry, but reluctant for seconds.

I was disappointed in myself for not loving this book and knew that in result, my friends would probably disown me. But luckily, there was still a chance – the movie had a lot of buzz, which gave me some anticipation and a little bit of extra time to savor the memory of what it’s like to actually have friends. Despite the shitty trailers and questionable casting, I was PUMPED! I mean, after all, something with this much craze must be brilliant, right? RIGHT?!

Wrong. Oh, so, so, so very wrong…

November 22, 2008 @ 4:56PM

It is actually taking me all day to write this damn Twilight movie review. I originally got distracted by Newsies, which was playing on Showtime (I forgot just how good Christian Bale was in this movie), but then when I mustered enough energy to turn the TV off to begin my writing, I didn’t even know where to start. Usually when I am heated about something, the words spill out in one sitting, but this time I was experiencing something beyond writer’s block… This time, it was second-hand embarrassment.

I began to pity everyone involved with the production of the movie, including the lovely people who catered on the set and the poor PA’s who took the gig thinking this would be their ticket to Hollywood. I especially began feeling awful for the tens upon thousands of fans who gathered in the freezing cold Thursday night – dressed to the nines with their “Team Edward Cullen” get-up – in order to get prime seating at the midnight showing, because they had absolutely no idea that their beloved Twilight was turned into a glorified after school special.

Hold that thought; I have to go out for dinner. BBL.

twilight--movie-posterNovember 22, 2008 @ 10:05PM

While sitting at Applebee’s and munching on my mozzarella sticks (they were quite delish, thanks for asking), the thought of writing this review kept lingering in the back of my mind and I knew I just had to get it over with in one sitting when I got home… So without any further distractions, here it is:

The Acting
Kristen Stewart looked like she was about to either fall asleep in every scene or have an asthma attack with the heavy breathing she kept doing. Her portrayal of Bella lacked the awkwardness and sense of humor that I actually kind of liked about her in the book, and the delivery of the very few jokes she did have was monotone, to say the least. It was like watching a poor imitation of MTV’s Daria.

Robert Pattinson hurried through many lines (like the cafeteria scene by the salad bar) and delivered the rest like a stoned James Dean. The charming Edward Cullen from the book was not present at all in the movie. The only thing Pattinson delivered with was his devilishly cute grin… oh, and his overall hotness. I guess all of the females on the set were too busy swooning to pay attention to how stiff his performance was (that’s what she said). In other words, he did not dazzle me as much as I thought he would.

The acting was wooden and unemotional. I felt little to no chemistry between the two actors. It was as if they were just reciting their lines so they could get paid and move on to an indie flick to gain some street cred.

The Script
Screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg combined many scenes and even added new ones to the mix, but she forgot the most essential piece of the story: THE POINT! Even though there is very little character development in the book, I slightly understood why Bella and Edward were so enamored by one another, however in the movie, the die-hard love was so sudden that it was tough to understand where the worship came from and WHY Bella HAD to stay with Edward. Rossenberg clearly wrote this script with only the people who read the book in mind, which is a big no-no for theatrical releases. But hey, this woman also wrote several episodes of The O.C., so I shouldn’t have expected a Gone With The Wind from her.

Also, can I just add that if one of Bella’s reasoning’s for Edwards’ vampire-esque behavior is because he talks like he’s from another time, then why exactly would you have Edward reference GOOGLE in an earlier scene? Not every vampire can be as timely as Count Dracula!

The Direction
Catherine Hardwicke is a nutjob. She needs to realize that not every movie is going to look cool with a shaky camera and extreme close-ups. Almost every scene consisted of a moment of silence while the camera zoomed slowly on the characters’ faces, which was meant to imply their desire for each other, but instead looked more like the beginning of a sex scene in a porno (sans the “bow chicka bow wow” music, although the music playing during those scenes wasn’t any better).

Hardwicke also took it upon herself to create the most heinous flashback scenes I have ever seen. They were sepia-colored, skewed and just really cheesy attempts at trying to be serious business. It was all so corny and ridiculous that I missed the dialogue because I couldn’t stop laughing. She also inserted several montages that were neither here nor there. My favorite ‘flashback’ was probably the one that consisted of Bella and a guyliner-wearing Edward dressed in Victorian outfits while staring seductively into space. This was shown while Bella was researching vampires online. Was it supposed to be Bella’s imagination or just a random montage thrown in for dramatic affect? Even if it was either of the two, it still failed to be necessary. If you’re going to have a flashback of Bella and Edward in a specific era while Bella is reading about all of the various worldly Vampire myths, why not flash through several periods of time rather than focus on the one that is the most cliché? Uh-huh, Hardwicke, think about that while you cackle all the way to the bank.

The Other Stuff That Really Bugged Me
white_chicks -I don’t care how great of an actress Nikki Reed is, she should not have been Rosalie. There was no way you could successfully turn a chick with very dark features into a pale blonde bombshell. With the caked-on powder, Reed looked more like one of the Wayans brothers in White Chicks than the most beautiful girl in the world. (Don’t even get me started on how ridiculous Jasper looked and acted.)

-I’m all about diversity, but when you have a token Asian and African-American in a movie that is supposed to take place in a bumblefuck town with a population of 3,000, it’s really hard for me to see the difference between Forks and Phoenix, where Bella is originally from. I also spotted a goth playing a waitress in the movie! Hey Forks, New York City called, they want their residents back.

-Now, Bella is supposed to be a very dry-humored character whose jokes often got brushed to the side and misunderstood by her fellow classmates, but Justin Chon, who played Eric and the token Asian, stole her thunder! He was obnoxiously funny, but boy was he quite the comic relief! I was waiting for him to look into the camera and tell us that the he’ll be here all week and to try the veal.

I will end my blotchy review with one last peeve: the Score. It reminded me of the generic and dramatic guitar-induced music that you’d often hear on shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place. And this brings me to my final thought…

Twilight felt like a made-for-basic-cable-TV movie. The entire vibe was cheesy, wooden and insignificant. After watching the movie, I now have a newfound appreciation for the actual book (but don’t get your panties all twisted, I still am not a fan). It’s a shame this movie was made by a predominantly female crew, because these broads give aspiring filmmakers like myself a bad rep.

November 22, 2008 @ 10:49PM

…and there go most of my friends.

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Don’t be Tardy to the Housewife Party

Posted in Celebrity News, Television with tags , , , , , on November 20, 2008 by kanev

I am ashamed that I am about to post ANOTHER entry regarding “the Real Housewives of Atlanta” but since last time I have had a change of heart. I can’t allow people to associate me with some of the things I wrote (because you are always thinking of my opinions on Bravo shows) so I thought, with the season ending, now would be a good time to revisit and retract some things.

Am I still Team Nene? You betcha. Nene had my heart from day one. Nene kept it real. Sure she talked shit on people, especially when drinking, but she didn’t make excuses and she didn’t back down. Was she trying to launch a ridiculous singing career? No. Was she pretending to be a fashion designer? No. She was just chillin, being Nene. And you know what? It works for her. (A bra might also work for her, but that’s a different story.)

Nene has her faults of course. When she was trying to be supportive of Kim’s music, she sang that “Tardy to the Party” song way too much. She could be a tad embarrassing when drunk, as we all saw by the look that was all over her husband, Gregg’s, face. And while Nene’s charity, Twisted Hearts, was a great charity, the big hat idea left her looking not too far off from Dumb Donald from “Fat Albert.”

Am I still Team Kim? Oh haillllll no. I knew from day one that Kim had a weave on her head and Botox in her face but I thought her lies were all physical. I didn’t realize that “Big Poppa” aka her main man, was a married man. I also didn’t realize that she was going around saying she was 29. If she’s 29 then I’m five. There is no way that woman is younger than 35. You know what, I’m feeling generous; I’ll even give her 30. But in your twenties? YOU WISH.

Moving on to Kim’s singing career… where to begin… where to begin? Oh, let’s start with YOU CAN’T SING. Why is it that rich people NEED to just put out an album just because they have money burning a hole in their pocket? Attention Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Montag and Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta: YOU CAN’T SING. You need to be able to sing to launch a singing career! Dallas Austin and Scott Storch can only do so much. I will say though a highlight of this season was when the singing coach said to Kim, “you don’t really know what you’re doing.” Thank you!

Kim likes to say how beautiful she and Sheree are. She even goes so far in one episode to call her beauty a burden. After that quote, I sort of understood what Kim meant because her existence had become quite the burden on me.

Luckily for all of us, Nene has a fine replacement for Kim. His name is Dwight and he has the most beautiful feet ever (and they are NOT a burden to him.) He also will reveal the secret to his radiance, unlike Kim whose secret is so obviously a weave and Restalin, which is to have sex 3 times a day. Beauty isn’t a burden for Dwight but back problems may be.

Will there be a second season? I’m not certain. But Bravo will deliver us an explosive reunion episode where even “Chinese-Black” Lisa will chime in and threaten to “flip Kim over the table.” *Hope Hope.* And of course we have Kim’s album to look forward to. Oh except for the fact that Dallas Austin’s blog says he is in NO WAY producing it. Hmmm… where can I download that “Tardy in the Party” joint to hold me over?

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Words of Wisdom Wednesday: Untruthful Friends

Posted in Lifestyle, Movies, Random Shit, Style with tags , , , , , , on November 12, 2008 by according to alanna

It has been awhile since any of the contributing snarks have graced this blog with their presence, but I will break this silent treatment once and for all (or at least until I run out of things to write about)…

During my last entry – nearly a hundred years ago, it seems – I promised a High School Musical 3 review. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I followed through with my promise on a promptly matter. And even more so, I can’t say that I actually come bearing a HSM3 review right now… What I can say is, it was campy, ridiculous, dramatic and lacked the following: acting skills, Sharpay, a shirtless Zac Efron, a consistent time-line, sense of time and proximity and catchy songs. What it didn’t lack: Shimmy dance moves courtesy of Zac Efron, unnecessary characters, Vanessa Hudgens’ shitty acting, homo-erotic innuendos and a whole lot of LOL-worthy moments.

Anyway, today I feel compelled to briefly rant about something very very important… No, this will not be about Pop 8 or President elect Obama, but about something a lot more crucial: FRIENDS WHO DO NOT TELL OTHER FRIENDS THE MOTHAFUCKIN’ TRUTH ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCES!

Let me elaborate. Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re about to go for your long overdue haircut and you’re thinking about getting a very different cut than what you normally get. Let’s say, hypothetically, you want to get a funky bob cut (and you’re a girl with ass-length gorgeous wavy hair). That’s a HUGE change, am I right? Now, let’s say you send out a mass e-mail to all of your dear friends with pictures of several celebrities who are sporting the same haircut that you want. You tell these friends “PLEASE REPLY BACK IF YOU THINK THIS WILL LOOK GOOD ON ME!” Only 3 of these so-called “friends” reply back and out of the 3, 2 tell you to “OMG GO FOR IT! YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD!” and the other friend (let’s call this friend the best friend you’ll ever have) tells you to not get the cut because it will not only accentuate your already round face, but it will make you look like a fool, because you have such puffy hair. You opt to listen to the two jackass friends who are either blind, have no sense of style or just don’t want to hurt your feelings.

So, you get the haircut and of course, just like the best friend you’ll ever have predicted, you look like a fucking fool.

You feel too crunchy to admit that you look awful, so you start posting pictures of your new haircut on all of the social networking sites you’re a member of in attempt to get your sugarcoated friends to comment on them with jargon like, “OMG YOU LOOK SO AMAZING! THAT HAIRCUT LOOKS SO HOT ON YOU!” And you succeed. Lots of shmucks reply praising your haircut as if it was like the second coming of Christ. You know you look like crap, but this does not stop you from soaking in all of the phony compliments. However, the best friend you’ll ever have, on the other hand, is looked down upon for being a jerk for not loving your haircut from the get go.

My point is, if you consider yourself a true friend, you will tell your friends the damn truth; enough beating around the bush and worrying about hurt feelings. You guys are good friends, feelings will not get hurt, they will only be taken into consideration.

Even if you or your friends will only take the advice with a grain of salt, at least the advice was honest.

Words of Wisdom: While friends don’t let friends drink and drive, they also shouldn’t let friends get shitty haircuts (or unflattering outfits)!

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MOVIE REVIEW: August Rush

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , , on October 26, 2008 by according to alanna

Oh God, it’s Sunday evening and instead of writing my highly anticipated review of High School Musical 3 (have no fear, it’ll come by the end of the night — that’s what Zac Efron said… OOOH SNAP), I find myself channel surfing to no avail. I stumbled upon August Rush on one of those family HBO channels and even though I kept attempting to avert my attention to something else on TV, I just couldn’t stop watching this train wreck knowing very well that only a few months ago I put myself through this torture already.  So, while I gain enough momentum to conjure a review of HSM3, here is an oldie but goodie movie review of August Rush…

August Rush is about an orphan prodigy named Evan (Freddie Highmore) who is the spawn of two musically inclined love birds. Lyla (Kerri Russel) is a renowned concert cellist and Louis (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) is an Irish-import lead singer of a rock band. Both meet for the very first time at a party overlooking Washington Square Park when Lyla goes outside on the balcony to catch a breath of fresh air and Louis is already outside listening to the echoed sound of a harmonica playing in the park. The two engage in small-talk, which could not have possibly exceeded more than five minutes, and before we know it, they whisk each other off their feet. Whether it was Louis’ puffy pillow lips or seducing Irish accent, or Lyla’s innocent demeanor, the two engage in sexual relations on said balcony, which happens to be attached to an apartment that is currently hosting a big classy party. Wow, I never knew a balcony was such an aphrodisiac!

And of course, as anyone who has had a one-night love-fest with a very seductive Irishman knows, no matter how many contraceptives you use, the super Irish semen will still find a way to impregnate you. So, pregnant and in love, Lyla opts to keep the baby, but an accident sends her to the hospital where she prematurely has the baby while unconscious. Her father tells her the baby has died, but instead gives the poor kid up for adoption before his daughter is awoken. Oh, and somewhere in between the love affair and the accident, the sexy Irishman leaves New York City to tour with his band. I think.

Fast forward to eleven years later, and the offspring, Evan, is in an orphanage seeking a way to leave in order to find his parents that he swears he can “hear.” After meeting a social worker (Terrence Howard) who visits from New York, Evan flees to New York City without a penny to his name. How he figured his parents would be in New York City is beyond me, but he arrives to Manhattan and begins to follow the music in his head.

He manages to find Washington Square Park where he was conceived (although he doesn’t know it), and befriends a feisty young busker who plays guitar in the park and gives his earnings to a crazy guy named Wizard (Robbin Williams) in exchange for food and shelter. Basically, Wizard is like Fagin (of Oliver Twist), and from what I gather, August Rush is supposed to be a modern-day play on the Oliver Twist tale… I think.

To get to the point without giving too much away (although, there is not much to give away if you have any inkling of common sense), Wizard discovers that Evan is a musical prodigy and sends the kid off to the park to play guitar under the stage name “August Rush” (hence the title of the movie. Ooooh… Ahhhh…), all while the social worker is on a prowl to find him. And then somewhere in between Evan running away from Wizard, and the sexy Irishman, Louis, becoming a bigwig sell out who returns to New York City to look for Lyla after more than a decade being MIA (why now, buddy?), Lyla finds out that her son is actually alive and begins to look for him.

So, let’s recap: August is searching for his parents, the social working is searching for August, Lyla is also searching for August, and the sexy Irishman is searching for Lyla.

In the midst of this search fiasco, Evan discovers that he can miraculously read music and write Juilliard-worthy compositions after quickly being taught a silly mnemonic from a seven-year-old. There is no denying that Evan is a prodigy (the boy picked up guitar in 0.5 seconds without any former training), but even if you’re Jimi Hendrix and Mozart rolled into one, it does not mean that you can teach yourself how to read music notes without a single tutorial handbook insight! It’s like quickly reciting the alphabet to someone who is illiterate in a language that they can only speak, and expect them to know how to read and write after that… Oh wait a second, I almost forgot that August Rush is a fairy tale. Phew!

Although August Rush is completely unrealistic, I didn’t expect much from a movie that was clearly advertised as a fairy tale. There are fantastic scenes that show just how powerful the role of music plays in the movie, which for the A.D.D. generation might have lagged. My favorite of those were the intertwining scenes of Lyla playing cello at a Lincoln Center-esque hall and Louis rocking out at an underground venue; these two different sounds blended together to form a whole new sound that was so oxymoronic it was actually pretty damn good. This made me realize that the only character that I actually cared about in August Rush was the actual music; everyone else was so melodramatic that anything they did or say was mediocre, to say the least.

Since music plays the ultimate role as the compass in August Rush, everyone “follows the music” until they find each other in the end. Blah Blah Blah, let’s kiss, marvel at the boy wonder, play some more music, shed a few tears, and live happily ever after.

I recommend this movie to the demographic that August Rush is targeting: children under the age of 15, adults over the age of 65 (preferably female), pregnant females who are hormonal and awe at the sight of anything sweet, chicks who like cheesy movies, and all of you Jonathan Rhys Meyers fans who have been waiting patiently for something new from the sexy Irishman.

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The Undecided Called, They Want You To Stop Watching Their Shit

Posted in Politics, Television with tags , , , , , on October 15, 2008 by according to alanna

While perusing through my buddy list whilst watching Project Runway’s Season Finale (I love multi-tasking like that; it’s a skill that very few have perfected), I noticed that all of my uber political friends were “away” watching the debate (and most of their away messages consisted of something smart alecy about the candidate their against). My first reaction was “OH SHIT, I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM MISSING THE DEBATE! HOLY FUCK, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I DIDN’T EVEN DVR IT!” but then it hit me: CALM THE HELL DOWN, ALANNA! You already know who you’re voting for come November 4th. The debates are meant for the undecided, and since you’re far from that, go ahead with your decided self and enjoy the fashion show consisting of clothes that you will never fit into.

So this is where I went from being pissed off at Kenley Collins for giving Tim Gunn yet another attitude (what a condescending and pretentious bitch), to being pissed off at my friends (man, I’m either hardcore PMSing or hardcore drinking the hatorade for no apparent reason). I’m sorry, but if you’re already adamant about who you’re voting for, why the hell are you torturing yourself watching a debate that will not only piss you off, but not benefit you what-so-ever? Unless, of course, there is a small inkling that you’re slightly unsure of your choice… or you just think Obama and McCain are dreamy to look at.

I really dislike people who plop themselves on their couch to watch the debate — wearing their “Vote for __insert candidate of your choice__” memorabilia — and then yell about the candidate they dislike for being a “moron.” No shit they’re a moron, Sherlock… THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT VOTING FOR THEM! So, before you stuff even more cheesy puffs into your mouth in hopes that this will comfort you, turn to BRAVO and watch some reality TV full of rainbows and sass to calm you down. I’m serious. Just fucking stop trying to prove to others that you’re a politico and start proving to yourself that you secretly want Tim Gunn to be your bff.

Leave the debates for the undecided; let the candidates attempt to win those people over, instead of unintentionally giving you more material to rant about.

And on that note… Some words of wisdom to go by for the undecided and decided alike:
make it work

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